Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Adventures of the Caped Crusaders

By Ima Greenie, Daily Planet Staff Reporter

GOTHAM CITY - There has been a significant increase this month in reported sightings of superheroes throughout Gotham City and the rest of the Country.

Just outside of Richmond, Virginia, a woman known to her Internet following as Burbanmom entered her child's preschool, clothed in a green cape, green leather boots, a gold headpiece and gold wrist bands. She approached the teacher and
offered to provide a flyer's worth of educational eco-tips for Earth Day
. Onlookers report that Burbanmom raised her gold wrist bands to deflect the expected laughter and criticism, which apparently never came. It is further reported that the school has invited Burbanmom to spear-head additional ecologically related activities. The investigation is ongoing.

Across the country, in Oakland, the infamous Betty Terry, an environmental explosives expert known for expelling fake plastic fish and other plastic paraphernalia from homes and businesses, launched a campaign to
convince Clorox to take back and recycle Brita filters, create new filters that do not need to be discarded and design a product that can be dismantled and fully recycled. Members of the public report that Ms. Terry has solicited their participation in her escapades by asking them to sign a petition and send in their used Brita filters. It is suspected that Ms. Terry and her cohorts will descend on Clorox headquarters sometime in the near future, armed with thousands of returned filters. Ms. Terry is said to have adopted a new superhero suit bearing the following logo:

Any sighting of Ms. Terry should be reported immediately as she is considered extremely dangerous to the plastic industry. Members of the public are strongly encouraged to visit this site to learn more about Ms. Terry and her crusading campaign.

Meanwhile across the Bay, a person known only as Green Bean entered a City Council meeting flanked by five caped individuals. Witnesses report that the super six appeared to have never met but quickly banded together and overtook the meeting. The avengers addressed the council with rallying calls for residential curbside pick up of food waste. Green Bean's words to the council were largely drown out by the sound of her frantically beating heart. Nonetheless, Green Bean and her companions were greeted with smiles and nods from the council and cheers from bystanders. Once the public comment period was over, said crusaders disappeared into the crowd and could not be located.

Further south, a woman dressed solely in second-hand black leather has been spotted trolling the LA Metro and hiding in bushes outside of office buildings. Police believe they have identified the woman as Arduous, a public transit super heroine, based upon interviews with two bosses for said woman. Ms. Arduous could not be reached for comment at this time.

Elsewhere, parents at a Little League game reported the woman identified alternately as Eco 'Burban Mom and The Trash Lady transforming her cape into a garbage bag capable of collecting untold amounts of recyclables from suburban sports games (see comments). Spiderman was recently seen scaling a building in Hong Kong. Outside of Chicago, Sexy Mama was sighted wielding two steel reusable water bottles and liberating litter through out the suburbs. Desert Dwellers have long whispered tales of a dark character known as Chile, who skulks in kitchen corners seeking to rid them of clutter and non-local produce. Finally, there are a reports of a family of supers on a mysterious bike train appearing at random farmers' markets across the country.

These reports make one thing quite clear. Super powers are on the rise. Caped crusaders are appearing everywhere and scientists cannot pinpoint any one cause for their abrupt emergence. Some posit that Climate Change coupled with drugs in our drinking water have triggered Sudden Super Syndrome in ordinary adults who previously cared minimally about the state of the environment. Other experts believe that these individuals have been living amongst us all the while, shielding their identities and line drying their clothes in secret. They believe that Super Chicken may have inspired these previously unidentified individuals to materialize from their dimly light homes. Whatever the cause, environmental avengers are on the rise and one may be living in your neighborhood, your apartment building or sharing office space with you. Take caution as heroic tendencies are thought to be highly contagious.

Please address any comments or report additional superhero sightings to the author.


Donna said...

Good for you, Green Bean!

Anonymous said...

Bravi! I think all of the mysterious personages listed should take a bow for their actions, their blogs and the actions they inspire in the rest of us. Including yourself, I hope the curbside pick-up starts soon.

Theresa said...

Fantastic! Go, caped crusaders, go!

C. Marie Byars said...

My daughter & I are both thin & once we went trick-or-treating as "Big String-Bean" & "Little String-Bean", so I thought of that when I saw your profile name! It will be nice in heaven when we don't have to crusade to protect anything anymore!

arduous said...

You are too funny!! Let us know what happens with the city council.I'm rooting for ya!

Going Crunchy said...

Oh, so funny. Unfortunately I think my water bottles are sexier then I! Shan

Raw Food Diva said...

most excellent post!
We are all doing our best....well I had to buy the pink fountain...I just had too!

CindyW said...

We have four capes at home, from various birthday parties. But they are all pink, not green.

Nonetheless, I think I will borrow one from my girls :)

Burbanmom said...

Great article, "Ima"! I'll be on the lookout for other caped crusaders!

Anonymous said...

applause, applause, for all these caped crusading heroes and heroines!(beth terry's husband also comes to mind.) all these actions are so inspiring! i really believe we greatly underestimate the power of one!

Jennifer said...

To my pillowcases!

spelled with a K said...

go go gadget seedballer!

Fake Plastic Fish said...

Go Green Bean Go! Be sure and report back when you get your curbside pickup of food waste because how can super heroes not be successful.

By the way, I got an email from Clorox today! We're having a phone meeting tomorrow at 8:30AM!

Green Bean said...

Thank you all. Whoever thinks that one person cannot accomplish anything has never visited the green blogosphere - it is as peppered with eco-nuts as with superheroes.

Gotta run - the big guy is running around the house with a cape (e.g., my grandmother's old scarf) pretending to be a superhero.

Green Bean said...


So great to hear about Clorox - can't wait to hear the outcome of your phone conference!

Crunchy Chicken said...

That's hilarious! I can't get the vision of a chicken in tights and a cape out of my head.

eco 'burban mom said...

Thank you Green Bean! I needed a pat on the back today!


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