Saturday, October 28, 2006

A Fairytale for Everyone?

Okay, I'm over at the Green Phone Booth and not blogging here anymore but the following email I received from my brother in law was too important to not post somewhere. I truly believe that we will one day look back at this time and shake our heads in wonder that we, as a society, treated people differently, refused to extend rights to our friends and neighbors. This has nothing to do with being green but everything to do with fairness and justice. NO ON PROP 8.:

Dear Family and Friends,

By now I hope you have heard of Proposition 8 on the California ballot this November. If passed, this initiative would rewrite our state’s constitution to read that marriage could only be legally defined as between a man and a woman. I have followed this particular race with interest because, as many of you know, DJ and I were recently married in a ceremony up at City Hall in San Francisco. If Proposition 8 passes, DJ and I could go to bed the night of November 4th as a married couple and quite possibly wake up the next morning as two single men in the eyes of the law. Just like that, all of the rights, privileges, and equality afforded to straight couples will vanish for us.

All it will take is a simple majority of California’s voters to make this change. Unfortunately, anyone looking at the polls these days can see that our side is gradually losing. While the race seemed locked in a dead heat just a few weeks ago, the recent barrage of advertising has had an adverse effect on our cause, and it now seems possible that Proposition 8 might pass. According to a friend of mine who teaches history, the passage of this proposition will be notable because it will be the first time in California’s history that an amendment to our constitution will take rights away from people instead of giving them more rights.

Even here in the “liberal” Bay Area intolerance is everywhere. Here on the Peninsula, where we have made our home and have always felt so safe and secure, ignorance and hate still surrounds us. To prove this to you, I wanted to share with you two incidents that happened to me recently. They are not ones that I have shared with many of you since they feel very personal, but they nevertheless point out the reason why defeating this proposition is so important right now before things get worse. I relate them to you so that you can hopefully understand what we are up against.

A couple of weeks ago, Callie and I had a nasty run-in with a very cruel and ignorant woman. My mom had taken us to the Cantor Art Museum on the Stanford campus for a nice day of sun and culture. It was Homecoming Weekend on campus and the place was packed with happy alums. We stopped at the museum restaurant for a bite to eat and Callie had to use the “potty”. We left my mom and went down to the restroom. After Callie was done, we walked out of the restroom and a very pleasant-seeming woman beamed at me, walked over, and said, “You have a beautiful daughter there. She’s just gorgeous!” I naturally said thank you and started with Callie back upstairs to my mom.

The woman quickly caught up to me and looked right at Callie and said, “Are you and Daddy heading back up to Mommy? Your Mommy must be pretty to have a little girl like you.” I answered back my pat answer in this situation. “Callie is extra lucky and has two daddies. We’re actually going back up to see her grandmother.” The woman’s face suddenly paled. She stared straight at Callie as if I weren’t there and launched off a series of offensive, ignorant remarks. “How can such a pretty girl like you have two daddies? Is that even legal? That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard. You have no Mommy and two daddies? How did that happen?” and on and on. Once I got over the shock of what was unfolding in front of me and in front of my two-year-old, I scooped Callie up and quickly walked upstairs saying in a loud voice, “Let’s leave the ignorant lady alone, Callie. She’s not a nice person and she doesn’t have anything nice to say to us.” Callie glared back at the lady and said, “Mean!”

The second incident occurred at school. I am out at school, although I do not publicly announce it. If kids ask, I tell them. I wear my wedding ring and have pictures of my husband and daughter on my desk like all of the other teachers do. I don’t make a big deal about it. Last spring, I came to school early and was chatting with a friend outside of my classroom. Suddenly, I saw her eyes go to the outside of my classroom door and watched as her face paled. I followed her gaze and saw scratched into the metal classroom door in big letters was the word “FAG” with a very offensive picture drawn underneath. The police were called. Reports were filed. Embarrassing questions were asked and answered. Photos were taken. The damage was so severe that the door had to be taken off and refinished in order to remove the hate crime. To this day, they have not solved the crime and probably never will.

These incidents are two of many that DJ and I have had to endure as gay men and gay dads. Even in our liberal-leaning Bay Area, hatred and fear are out there. The ignorance is amazing – even by people who think they are being well-intentioned and supportive. Although these are two of the most extreme interactions I have ever had, there have been other, smaller ones that, while less upsetting, were still depressing to say the least. The anti-marriage side fuels this ignorance and hatred with their stereotypes and their mistruths and I am tired of it.

DJ and I watch the same debates and read the same news stories that I’m sure all the rest of you do. Our love and our relationship have suddenly become fodder for the public to comment upon, question, moralize on, and preach about. The foundation that we have built up, the love we have, the happiness we share has been reduced to, “God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.”

We turn off the news each night feeling sadder and sadder about this sorry state of affairs. It’s easy to feel disheartened. What makes it worse for me personally is that I feel so helpless from preventing this proposition from passing. I don’t have any extra cash to throw into new advertising. I don’t have friends connected in high places who will help get my voice heard. And I certainly do not want to join a phone bank and annoy people at dinner time and endure the harassment and threats that I hear many others do. Obama will clearly win the state of California, but this proposition has a very good chance of becoming law. It’s not just a Democrat/Republican issue. This left me with the dilemma of how to help.

So, I came up with the truth. Yes, the truth. Maybe if people can get to know at least one gay person, they will lose some of the fear and misunderstanding that they seem to have. The other side paints gay people in a certain light, but I don’t see myself or my life in any of it. So, here’s my truth so people who don’t know a gay person can get to know one.

What I am:

I am married to my partner and he is my best friend. I have a beautiful daughter. Both my partner and my daughter are the lights in my life. I am a loving and nurturing husband and parent. I crack up when our daughter tries to say new words and gets them all mixed up. I worry about her future. I read to her every night before she falls asleep. I do my job well. I am respected by others. I am a role model to the children I teach. I live my life with integrity and honesty. I pay my taxes. I could stand to lose a few pounds. I can eat more ice cream than anyone else I know. I have friends. My friends love me, support me, and are there for me when I need them. I have a loving, supportive family who never batted an eye or questioned me when I came out to them. I have friends and family from all walks of life, and I celebrate that every chance I get. I love games. I love crosswords. I am ultra-competitive and I hate to lose. I love 80’s music. I go with my family to Disneyland four times a year. I can speak Spanish. I argue with my partner sometimes. We kiss. We make up. We forgive. I miss the people in my life who have passed away. I am actually quite average in almost every way except that I have found myself in love with someone of the same sex. I am a human being with the same ups and downs in life that anyone else has.

What I am not:

I am not a deviant. I am not weird. I am not perverted. I am not a child molester. I am not abusing my daughter by raising her in a house filled with love, family, friends, travel, learning, diversity, and laughter. I am not interested in promoting any kind of “agenda”. By the same token, I am not interested in anyone pushing their values, morals, or religion on me. I am not looking to “recruit” kids to be gay. I am not “teaching” my daughter to be gay. I am not “the wife” in our relationship and neither is my partner. I am not scary. I am not intolerant. I am not lonely and depressed. I do not drink alcohol. I do not take drugs. I did not have an abusive childhood. I am not someone who needs to be feared. I am not ashamed that I am gay.

I am me. And I’m guessing there are thousands of other “me’s” out there in my same situation. All of us are just asking for the right to have our love legalized. If straight people can have this right, then why can’t we? Certainly you don’t believe that if gay marriage becomes law that people will be able to marry their own relatives or their goat or their car? You can’t believe that legalized gay marriage will affect anything taught in our public schools? Surely you don’t think that the moral fabric of our society will be ripped and forever irreparable if gay marriage is legal? Just look to Massachusetts, The Netherlands, Canada, even ultra-Catholic Spain and post-Castro Cuba for examples of how legalized gay marriage has had no effect on the religious, societal, or moral foundations of those states and countries (despite what the lies from the other side will tell you). After gay marriage was legalized in those places, no churches were forced to change their ways. No straight family lost any rights or privileges. No kids were taught “how to be gay”. No agenda has been pushed other than love, respect, and understanding. What are people so afraid of?

One only need look to celebrities adopting their own children and then splitting up, or celebrities getting married multiple times or for less than twenty-four hours for examples of the unraveling of the moral fiber of our own country. Do not blame gay folks for the problems that plague every segment of our population – gay or straight. Gays should be able to get married, raise families, divorce – the whole nine yards – just like straight people. It wasn’t too long ago that here in the U.S. people of different religions were not allowed to marry. People of different ethnicities were not allowed to marry. People from different socio-economic classes were not allowed to marry. Many of my friends and family fall into one or more of these categories. All of those doors have opened for everyone else, and it is time for the door to swing open for us too.

When DJ and I go to adopt our next child, we will be barred from adopting that child in ten to fifteen states only because we are gay. The fact that we would make great parents or that we have a wonderful life to give another child doesn’t play into the equation at all. We are flat-out denied in those places because we are two men. Being recognized as a married couple would be the first step to taking down those barriers and building a family of love and respect.

I close this letter asking you one favor. I know that most of the people to whom I am sending this are friendly to my cause and are on my side. To you I send out much love and heartfelt thanks for your support. The favor I will ask of you is that you kindly forward this email to everyone you know. Even if they are not a registered California voter, I feel this message is important enough to be heard in any state – especially considering that 26 states have similar amendments in their constitutions already. Maybe if some people hear from a “real” person and not a politician or an actor in a heavy-handed commercial, they may understand a bit of the truth as I see it: It doesn’t matter if we are gay or straight. We all deserve equal rights.

Thanks in advance for reading my long letter and passing it on to anyone you can. I am not an especially eloquent writer, but this is my one small way of trying to do something about this frustrating election. I appreciate your help with it more than you will know.

NO ON 8!!!



Burbanmom said...

What a wonderful letter. Thank you to Alec for sharing with us. It is hard for me to imagine people so hateful and callous as that woman he encountered while out with his daughter. Since when did love become a crime?

I wish I lived in CA so I could vote. Alas, I live in VA where a marriage ban actually passed a few years ago. I was positively stunned to think that there were so many ignorant people surrounding me.

good luck in CA.

Burbanmom said...

Oh, and just because I can't leave well enough alone... In light of the marriage ban, I think Virginia should be forced to change their state motto from "Virginia is for Lovers". Or at least be forced to put an asterisk at the end of the phrase and list the exclusions.

Stephanie said...

No on 8. That one required zero thought.

Ugh, what an awful thing to tell a 2-year-old. At least an adult can try to handle all the hate that comes from being different from the "norm", but a two-year-old! Isn't the fact that she's pretty evidence enough that she's loved? Isn't that enough to leave her alone?

I've been so proud of California for allowing gay marriage. I'll be so disappointed in it if Prop. 8 passes. I'll link to this in my own blog.

JessTrev said...

Heartfelt letter from Alec - thanks! Good luck on defeating Prop 8. What a heartless woman to speak to a 2 year old that way about her daddy. Burbs, the anti-marriage law that passed in VA is one of the reasons we won't be moving there if we ever leave the city of DC. MD will get our taxes and support cause VA has shown itself to be so intolerant.

Kim said...

Thank you for posting this.

My dh and I have already voted here in CA and have voted No on 8. I cannot stand the idea of the government telling people who they can and cannot marry. That's really what this whole thing boils down to. As a Christian I have my own religious beliefs but I don't believe the government should be dictated by those beliefs.

Green Bean said...

Burbs: Ha! An asterik might be nice. I never understand the US when it comes to issues of tolerance. With liberty and justice for all, kind of. Thanks for the moral support.

Stephanie: Please do link to this. I want to spread the word and put faces - my brother-in-laws family - to the potential injustice.

Jess: Thank you! It is astonishing how people think it is okay to deny rights to their fellow citizens.

Kim: You make such a great point. I don't think you have to be pro-gay marriage to see that Prop 8 is just not fair. Have you seen the No on Prop 8 commercial where a woman say to her friend "I'm not sure how I feel about the whole gay marriage thing." To which her friend responds with something along the lines "do you think we should take rights away from them?" A split second later, her friend responds NO. Thank you for your comment!

Di Hickman said...

Please thank Alec for this letter! My friends got married earlier this month and I cannot fathom that they could end up not married simply because of their sexuality! Talk about dark ages! I am totally 100% NO on prop 8.

DH and I were discussing this Sunday and we both admitted that we actually think a little less of people in our neighborhood who have 'yes' banners in their yard. I know forgiveness and all that but it just upsets me so much that our gay friends are considered second class by others.

And Alec, that woman in the restaurant was down right mean! Wow and that hate in front of a young child! You handled it beautifully!

I only wish I could vote! Alas I am not a citizen :(

innercitygarden said...

Great letter!

I would only add that Lesbian Dad has lots of information for people who don't know how or why they should vote No, and you can donate through her to No on 8 advertising.

Good Luck, I'm really hoping you guys in California will be fight this off.

Theresa said...

Wow, what a great letter! Same-sex marriage is legal here in Canada and I'm glad and proud to live in a country where that's the case. If two people love each other and want to commit to each other for better or for worse, they should be able to get married, no question. I hope California will do the right thing and stand up for what is right and fair.

CindyW said...

Wow. Thanks for sharing this heart-felt letter. For the life of me I do not understand why so many people are threatened when the definition of marriage extends to embrace more people.

Is it because we are so afraid of changes?

Not too long ago, mix racial marriages seemed to stir the same fear. OMG, what would the children be like if black people, white people, brown people and yellow people all got mixed up? What would happen to the moral fabric of the society?

History has shown that biracial marriages did not impact the society in any way. I'd argue if anything, biracial families moved the society forward a little by bringing different cultures into family units.

Michelle, you are absolutely right in that someday when we look back, we will shake our heads and say to ourselves: really, somebody spent $30 million (fact) trying to stop loving people from marrying each other?

Wow, we were backward back then.

Fake Plastic Fish said...

Wow. I had no idea the race was so close. I already voted No on 8 and turned in my ballot. And I would forward the letter to everyone I know, but honestly, I don't know anyone who would vote yes. I think. At least I hope I don't.

You know, sometimes Michael and I joke that if gay people are allowed to get married it will destroy everything our straight marriage is based on. We joke about this because it's such an absurd thought. But tonight, after reading your brother's email, I don't feel like joking.

I just want to cry. I have so many gay friends, and to be as open and honest as your brother-in-law just was, I'm not exactly straight myself. Sure, I'm in a heteroxexual, monogamous marriage and don't plan on getting divorced, so for all practical purposes, I'm straight. But I wasn't always. And there's no guarantee I always will be.

Why am I saying this? Because maybe the bisexuals in priviled "straight" relationships need to come out of the closet too and stand up with our gay brothers and sisters. We're all Spartacus, right?

Anonymous said...

That was a beautiful and moving response to ugliness that nobody should have to deal with. Thank you and warm wishes.

Good luck in CA.

~kt in England

Electronic Goose said...

That's disgusting that there even is a Proposition 8. Thanks for posting this letter (and for finding me on Facebook).

Burbanmom's second comment: LOL! They should!

Courtney said...

I found this letter through Electronic Goose's blog, and I have to say it moved me to tears. If I could vote in CA, I'd certainly be voting No on Prop. 8. Ignorance and intolerance break my heart.

Would it be okay if I reposted/linked to/forwarded Alec's letter to some CA residents I know?

jennconspiracy said...

Great post - sincere, touching and sweet. Callie sounds like a smart cookie - saying "mean" to the mean lady.

Just one thing: what does he mean by "post-Castro Cuba"? It's still Castro's Cuba until he dies - I see their step to legalize gay marriage as more relevant to an evolution than anything to do with Fidel (his brother Raul and his niece are both spearheading equal rights issues there).

Green Bean said...

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words and supportive thoughts. Intolerance has no place in any civilized society.

To Courtney and anyone else interested, please distribute Alec's letter near and far. I know he would like it and I think our country benefits by understanding how real people and real families are affected by these types of propositions.

Melinda said...

My heart sinks reading this. What a wonderful (and eloquent!) letter. I wish I were able to vote against this proposition. I had no idea how close it was. Wow.

ruchi aka arduous said...

Hey guys, I just want to beg anyone reading to PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE donate to the No on 8 campaign. Even five bucks could be helpful. Please. They are being totally out-raised money wise. Even if you're not a Californian you can still donate money to the campaign. This isn't just a Californian issue. If gays are allowed to marry in California, it will have national repurcussions. So please if you can, give anything anything at all, it would be very much appreciated.

Mary said...

I live in CA and I'm adding my NO as is my husband. My biggest fear is that a NO, means yes to equality and a YES means no to equality. I'm sure many will get it wrong trying to be right.

Going Crunchy said...

Fantastic letter, your eloquence is touching.

I'll feature this post under my Spotlight tomorrow. Well, not that I'm NBC by any means, but I'm happy to spread the word.

I am so apalled by the continued resistance to gay/lesbian rights. I hope for reform and equality. Shannon

organicneedle said...

Thanks for posting this letter. I continue to be shocked by people's lack of compassion for others. Many of us in NYC were hoping that CA's allowing of gay marriage would mean NY would be soon to follow. If 8 passes it will be a huge step back not just for CA but the country as a whole. I had no idea it was even close.

This depth of ignorance, intolerance, and discrimination is just unacceptable.

Green Bean said...

Ruchi: good point. $5 is easy to give and if everyone gives it, well...

Melinda: If only you'd waited to move. ;-)

Mary: That is a really interesting point. I hadn't thought of it but it makes perfect sense. I hope people aren't confused.

Shannon: That would be great. I think it is important to spread the word. Not only for CA voters but for the rest of us. One day we will shake our heads in wonder that we wanted to take rights away from people based upon who they loved.

Needle: CA leads the way for many things in this country (e.g., enviro legislation, etc). Let us hope that we pave a tolerant and fair road and not one riddled with discrimination and hate.

Stephanie said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie said...

I take back what I posted -- I realized I don't want to depress everyone else with an awful thing.

Robj98168 said...

What a great letter! I com up on ignorant people like that all the time. I feel that no state should have the right to legislate love. Like burbanmom, I wish sometimes i Lived in California just to cast a no vote on prop 8- but you folks have your own troubles, starting with Schwarznegger- Hey what if they started a law preventing kennedys and republicans from marrying? What would Ar-nuld do?

Anonymous said...

While I think what that woman said in front of your daughter is deplorable, I am happy Proposition 8 passed.

Green Bean said...

Anonymous: While we are all entitled to our own opinions, I'm not at all happy Prop 8 passed. I'm pretty sure it violates the Fourteenth Amendment right to Equal Protection.

I'm not at all happy that we, as a state, decided to deny fundamental rights to a segment of our population just because they are different from us. Decades from now we will hang our collective heads in shame that we once thought it justified to treat people differently based on who they love.

Abbie said...

I just wanted to make the comment that, as of today, marriage of anyone to anyone, gay or straight, is now legal in the state of CT. I'm so sorry that it got eliminted in CA, but I can see the joy in people's faces as they get married on the news here.
Their marriage does not diminish my own in any way.

Gretchen said...

I am heart broken that Prop 8 passed. Heartbroken & shocked.

I just found this letter from Alec today.... read it & cried. It is beautifully written & I will post a link to it everywhere I can.

Thank you for sharing it.

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